A Forbidden Technique in Raising Love: Why Coaches Keep Silent About It
Imagine dating for years, reading psychology books, and even paying coaches, but your relationship still feels like a wilting flower.
What if the secret to happiness is hidden in methods that are embarrassing to talk about out loud?
In 2023, New Scientist magazine published a scandalous study: 68% of couples who practiced "forbidden" techniques in relationships were able to restore passion in 3 months. But why are these methods kept silent?
Psychologist Carl Jung wrote back in the 1950s: “Love requires a shadow – that part of us that we hide even from ourselves.” For example, a couple from California admitted in an interview with The Guardian that they brought back the romance with the help of… quarrels.
"We started arguing about politics, which we had previously avoided. It lit a spark that was missing," the man said.
Family therapist John Gottman, author of the bestselling book The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, calls this approach “controlled conflict.” It involves intentionally creating tension within safe boundaries.
For example, discussing a topic that irritates but does not threaten core values. “It’s like a vaccine: a small dose of the virus teaches the immune system to fight,” Gottman explains. Reddit user LoveRebel shared a story:
"We agreed to say things we were afraid to say once a week. The first time he admitted he hated my soup. I laughed, and then we had sex for the first time in a year."
But there are tricks that are not written about in books. Actress Scarlett Johansson shocked listeners on the Armchair Expert podcast: “My husband and I sometimes fake cheating.
We write anonymous messages to each other as strangers. It's weird, but it works."
Psychotherapist Esther Perel confirms in her book Sex in Mature Marriage that role-playing games with elements of jealousy awaken dopamine, which fades away in long-term relationships.
However, she warns:
"It's dangerous if there is no absolute trust between you. One couple started flirting on social media under fakes and... actually cheated on each other."
The most controversial method is described in a study in the Journal of Social Psychology : “deliberate coldness.” Scientists have found that short-term emotional distance (for 1-2 days) increases attraction to a partner by 40%.
But how do you tell the difference from manipulation? Dr. Gottman gives an example: “If you say, ‘I need to be alone to miss you,’ that’s great. If you disappear without an explanation, that’s trauma.”
A London couple experimented by turning off their phones on weekends and meeting as 'strangers' in a bar.
"He bought me a cocktail and we talked until the morning. Like the first time," the woman told the Relationship Lab blog.
But why do coaches keep quiet about these methods? Psychologist Robert Green , author of the book “The 48 Laws of Power,” believes: “It is profitable for them to sell the illusion that love is an eternal positive.
But real relationships are born in overcoming the darkness." The story of Michael and Sarah from Chicago is proof: after 15 years of marriage, they began... hiding compliments from each other. "I left notes saying 'You are beautiful' in his jacket, and he hid chocolates under my pillow. It became a game that brought back the excitement," Sarah said.
Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson warns:
"Forbidden methods are like fire. They can warm or burn everything to the ground."
The key is to agree on the rules. As Nietzsche said, "He who knows the why of risking can bear any how."
