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How to argue without yelling and insulting each other
01.04.2024 13:34
Quarrels and disagreements often occur in communication.
Each person has a unique (in detail) experience, which is formed from the practice of solving emerging issues-contradictions, when a conflict arises between the desired, expected and reality. Human relations also develop according to this principle.
Stable behavioral reactions to events (other people’s reactions) form and constitute “a person’s character,” and clashes of characters are inevitable; this is the real “prose of life,” says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
The influence of experience on character
Character - simply put - is a system of established individual properties and behavioral characteristics (reactions). At the same time, not many people deliberately want to provoke or "lead the situation" in the direction of conflict, confrontation, continuation of a quarrel or hostility. Such specimens, regularly provoking others, do happen, but there are either relatively few of them, or their behavior depends on situational factors.
Such are individuals with narcissistic reactions. But what good does it do us to call someone one way or another, adjusting the label to our own comfortable thinking? This is a simple and ineffective way: "yes, he/she is a narcissist, that's why he/she behaves like this." Subjectively defining the character or status of another is only an excuse and a reason to stop communicating. When you want to stop a quarrel, you walk away from the dispute, and do not ignite it.
Of course, everyone applies and remembers measures and methods from their own experience, accumulated from the fact that once (often) by analogy they managed to solve a similar problem and situation, from that the “method” is remembered as the most effective, efficient, effective. Therefore, the characteristic features of each are changed by experience, and not vice versa.
But if the other person seems necessary or irreplaceable, communication continues. During the discussion of contradictions, people try to convey their own desires and express disagreement with the opinion of a partner or competitor. The latter circumstance is very important, because the definitions of "partner" or "competitor" also determine further reactions in the direction of continuing the quarrel or reconciliation.
It is necessary to correctly diagnose the status of the other for further communication. That is, to understand what exactly you want. It will not be possible to “use” him for a long time. And in order to save him, changes are needed. He should also receive some joy from communication in a couple, and a quarrel indicates dissatisfaction of one or both.
Correct diagnosis
So, by observing human behavior, you need to correctly determine who is in front of you - a partner or a competitor. Competition can be not only for benefits and material values, but also for influence in the family unit. This is an identifier that determines the further development of events, strategy and tactics of behavior.
If you are dealing with a "partner", try to keep him even in a quarrel, understanding his necessity in relations and communication. If we are dealing with a "competitor", the quarrel can be conducted even by aggressive methods. Human relations in quarrels and conflicts develop in two different directions.
Moreover, it is possible – both in time (medium and long term) and situationally – for the roles of the positioned opponent to change – from “partner” to “competitor”, and vice versa. In the first conditional case, the conflict worsens and takes on new forms, in the second – disagreements are reduced.
From here it is clear in a simplified way: if you want to stop a conflict, you need to see a "partner" in the other. Not only see him, but also make him such, involving him in your life and taking a greater part in his life and interests.
Desire to gain benefit
This is another factor that provokes conflicts. Often one of the parties to a conflict deliberately uses a method of provocation, having previously studied the other and expected responses. These are uneven relations. It is appropriate to talk about calculation here. You can deceive. You can force. You can use the weakness of the other. There are many ways.
Sometimes it is possible to influence another, subordinating them to your will and plans, but it never passes without a trace, and does not act "forever". Circumstances change, the other accumulates or improves psychopower, receives help, or an alternative choice of relationship arises. Then he/she agrees to a better share, and the previous relationship may end altogether.
You can deceive one, you can deceive many, but you cannot deceive everyone and always. This is one of the dangers of modern relationships (the availability of alternative choices) - a person can ultimately deceive himself. It is seen not immediately, but at subsequent stages of life - through one's own situation, through the disobedience of children, cooling with them, loss of trust or deterioration of the other's health.
Loss of "peace"
This is a common reaction and mistake in discussing contradictions. You say one thing, you are not understood, you "insist on your own", forgetting that insistence is appropriate only on alcohol. The other person (partner) analyzes no worse than you, and therefore chooses appropriate reactions, both defensive and active - for their own freedom of choice (decisions).
In good, mutually beneficial relationships, interaction is always a compromise, not an imposition of will through specific demands on the other. Talking about the role of a "competitor" is almost pointless - this is the path to developing a conflict. Let's talk about how to improve communication and establish relationships with a conditional "partner".
What does every partner want?
Most people in a conflict situation do not seek to "remake" their partner, but first of all want to "be heard", "understood". But due to different experiences, characters, real situations and emphases in planning - they "do not hear" each other. Raised tones in a conversation with a transition to shouting and personalities (it is advisable to criticize actions, not personality) indicate exactly this - the channel of effective communication is destroyed and people do not perceive the desires of the other.
It is appropriate to compare this with moving away from each other at a distance: the deeper the conflict, the further the distance. Speaking as an allegory, people shout at each other precisely in order to “get a thought across” if it – as they subjectively imagine – cannot be delivered “at a normal volume”. Moreover, the “shout” may not be in the literal sense, but in actions – increased activity of actions, provoking the other to react – to be heard. But even with shouting, sometimes one cannot hear one another.
Note that people who understand each other do not shout. Lovers speak quietly, almost in a whisper. Often they understand each other without words. The stronger the feeling for another, the closer it brings, the better people understand each other. This works when there are feelings.
If there are none, there is nothing to talk about. Hurtful words spoken in anger increase the distance between you to the point of irreversibility. Although there is no single recipe here, there are only typical stories; further development of the situation depends on specific individuals.
Keep your balance
However, while the relationship is cooled, but not completely destroyed, it is possible to maintain respect for each other for a long time. This requires both a lot and a little: do not shout, do not insult the other, so as not to distance yourself. But there are several important points.
How to swear correctly
You can insult not only with words, but also with actions. Let us explain: due to a subjective feature, the other person may perceive your attempts to influence, inattention to him, and even “unpredictable”, uncoordinated actions of yours that contradict his vision of the situation, as an insult to trust. To prevent this from happening, you need to develop communication - talk, discuss different topics, in general, be involved in the life and desires of the other partner; without this, the relationship is fragile and unstable. And with this, trust is strengthened.
A partner (as well as a competitor) must be “known”. In order to know him/her, you must want to know him/her. This is the most difficult task for a narcissist – he/she sees almost nothing around him/herself and his/her plans. Often, even people who have been communicating in personal relationships for a long time cannot name even 5-10 values inherent in a partner – they do not know the peculiarities of the family, nor the history of older relatives, nor the favorite dishes or desires, favorite places of their “betrothed”, or events that are significant for him/her. Without knowing these, as they think, “little things”, they do not know the person. And events from the history of previous relationships, as a rule, are repeated in new relationships…
If you know that the relationship has reached a dead end, let it go. Both them and your partner. Give time to heal the wounds. Here it is appropriate to recall the parable of Solomon about two women and a child who tried to dispute and came to the king for a decision. "When Solomon heard them, he ordered the sword to be brought.
- Let both be happy. Cut a living child in half and give each half.
One of the women changed her expression and begged: give the child to the neighbor, just don't kill him! The other agreed with the king's decision: chop it up, let it not go to her or me, she said decisively." Of course, a real and loving mother acts like the first (in the text of the parable) woman.
Everyone quarrels - a lot or a little. Often the other person expects you to end the quarrel first, that is, expects you to take the initiative. A somewhat flawed, but understandable position, reminiscent of provincial attitudes and bargaining at a village fair - when a peasant "out of fear of losing the price" - expects the "first word" from the other.
When arguing and sorting out relationships, no matter how much you are bursting with grievances and passions, try not to swear remotely. Written text does not convey emotions accurately: often there may be different understandings of what is written, even of well-known words, in addition - texts do not show intonation.
And ellipses are generally inappropriate, they give free rein to the negative fantasy of the other person - in accordance with his character and experience. SMS and messages in messengers - although popular, are not the best way to sort things out. Personal contact is always better. Come and hug. And then sort things out further. In this way, you will not nominally show your attitude to the other person - a tirade of dozens of words is better.
Previously, it was reported what divorced women regret.
