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Why and when not to value freedom in personal relationships
06.09.2024 20:25
If you know the answer to the question - why, then for a person of action there will also be a “how”.
This universally true maxim allows us to understand a lot about interpersonal relationships in a couple or family.
From here the opposite can also be clear – why this or that action does not happen, even if it was discussed or planned together. There are reasons for everything.
As a concept, "freedom" in personal relationships is defined subjectively and conditionally, and it is incorrect to generalize the topic, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov . Some people are satisfied with one format of their partner's demands, while others resist excessive "trampling" of subjectively perceived personal boundaries.
Therefore, there are not many people who do not love and do not want freedom. Another thing is what exactly to understand by it.
Let us consider the concept of freedom in personal relationships from several sides, but it is impossible to cover them all.
Freedom is associated with a conscious necessity, with “unlimited” choice, with the right to act “as you want,” and for people with a philosophical mindset, “only in solitude can you be free” is quite true. And even such comparisons are conditional. Nevertheless, freedom should always be valued.
Free choice or pressure
But what determines the choice? Nothing. Nature resorts to a saving, unmotivated chance, and the result is not known "with millimeter precision".
Accordingly, if you feel comfortable with a specific person, you do not notice the lack of freedom, just as you do not notice the well-coordinated work of your body’s organs – and you do not even think about whether you are free – it does not matter to you.
This also happens not only in personal relationships, but also quite fairly for public, social ones. Conventionally speaking, you do not need freedom if you are happy with everything. The same in relationships in a couple.
Even if one of the partners is a pronounced introvert or a "strong leader", "leading". Let's leave aside the value judgments about "slaves" and "slavery", the main thing is that in a specific value system, the "led one" does not want another role for himself, another happiness. It is convenient for him.
Of course, life together is not like a straight line, one way or another it changes dynamically, and for some it even approaches a "sinusoid" with clearly visible peaks. And again - you can't judge "by yourself". If this situation suits the partners, that is, they are ready and willing to endure it a lot and for a long time, then they are satisfied.
The one who is dissatisfied typically cannot stand it, leaves, finds a better position for himself, a “half”, a share, which can also be loneliness.
Each person can be themselves only while they are conditionally alone. In a couple and even in society, dependence manifests itself one way or another. If she or he feels so comfortable in a couple, then everything is conditionally normal. And there are “pros” and “cons” in any position.
"The wise do not so much seek solitude as they avoid the vanity created by fools," Arthur Schopenhauer noted. But even in this phrase, all definitions are subjective and conditional.
But the absence or limitation of internal freedom – to think, to act as one wants, to know the right decisions even from the experience of overcoming similar situations and to be forced to subordinate one’s will to a partner-leader who makes a mistake, not being able to influence him – that’s where the tragedy lies. In this case, systematic “compromise” is harmful, and moreover, rarely possible for anyone.
Circumstances can influence relationships and events, and there are cases when the "weak" partner is forced to submit to the will of the leader. But when this happens systematically against his will, when he does not perceive the other as an authority, then the partner couple will not live long.
Regret or joy
As for emotional comparisons and memories, when it seems that things were “better” before, it is appropriate to remember that longing arises not so much for a person (partner) or a place or an object, but for one’s own emotions, in particular for a time that seems happy, and for the state-feeling of the body in general, because “before” we were younger and stronger.
It is clear that even now the strength and vigor have not disappeared, and there is more and more experience and conventional wisdom, nevertheless we remember the harmonious state of the psyche and positive emotions-surprises given by a specific person and (or) circumstances.
In all cases, the psychological harmonious background of a specific person is important. If it is convenient for him in one way or another, the conditional "pluses" of the relationship systematically outweigh the "minuses" and shortcomings, or when the conditional losses from breaking up the relationship are more terrible than continuing an imperfect relationship, then the subject is able to endure for a long time.
And he does not notice the oppression of freedoms, does not consider them critical, finding arguments in favor of the system of values that he and his partner support. Otherwise, people look for other options for improvement, realization, self-knowledge, development and relationships in a couple.
