If you are hoping that your abuser will change because of your efforts, stop.
Psychologists agree: violence is a choice, not a mistake.
A Harvard Law School study found that 92% of abusers who completed treatment programs returned to violence within 2 years.
The first step is to accept that you can’t control someone else’s behavior. The brain of an abuser is even physiologically different: MRI scans show decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for empathy, and hypertrophied activity in the amygdala, which triggers aggression.
The second step is to set boundaries. But phrase them well: Instead of “Stop yelling,” say “I will leave the room if you raise your voice.” This shifts the focus to your actions, rather than his correction.
The third step is to create a clear “escape plan.” Open a separate account, gather documents, and arrange a possible shelter with friends. Even if you don’t leave now, this will reduce anxiety.
Therefore, prepare secretly: get an “emergency bag” with documents, money and a charger, agree with your neighbors on a signal (for example, a red scarf on the window).
According to WHO, 35% of women who died as a result of their partners tried to escape abuse in the last 3 months before their tragic end. Experts insist: you need to leave abruptly and secretly to minimize the risks.
It is noted that the cycle of violence includes three phases: escalation of tension (he slams the door), incident (insults, pushing) and the “honeymoon” (the abuser apologizes and promises to improve).
It is during the third phase that 78% of victims return, hoping for change. But neuropsychologist Dr Rebecca Mundy explains: “The ‘honeymoon’ is manipulation, not remorse. Abusers use it to regain control.”
Therefore, in such situations it is extremely important not to give in to weakness and strictly follow the intended goal.
Author: Irina Tint
