What influences the quality of relationships in a couple

One of the factors influencing the quality of a relationship in a couple is maintaining a trusting relationship between partners and mutual surprises not only in the first three months after meeting, but also later.

Work-home (family)-work – this is the cycle many people live in – from weekend to weekend.

Having formed a partnership, the people involved strive to strengthen it, but circumstances related to daily obligations arise as obstacles.

There are no bad or good women and men, but there are characteristic emotional features, as well as a deficit of mental strength and means to maintain a balance of interests that arises over time, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .

Problematic field

There is a typical, common, and partly true opinion that a woman with children, forming a new family, is distinguished by “a minimum of romance and a maximum of practicality.”

This is how life and circumstances shape and change character and everyday habits. She tries to be a good wife, caring mother and excellent employee, but there is not enough time and energy for everything.

We'll pay off the mortgage, and "Our Lady of Czestochowa will arrange everything for the better again" (according to J. Hasek), "The main thing now is to earn more", "There's no time to be sick, work doesn't wait", "We just have to wait a little longer, and we'll go on vacation" - such thoughts are typical.

And along with them, strength and desire sometimes disappear, because after completing old tasks, urgent new ones immediately arise, and so on – endlessly.

She understands that every day is like the previous one. A responsible girl wants to break out of the vicious circle, but since childhood she was taught: "you must", "it's necessary" and, attention, a masterpiece: "I am the last letter in the alphabet". A man in such a situation becomes "sixteenth place". He feels it, and this is a problem.

Not always, but it happens that a woman perceives her role as the main one: "I gave birth - now let him show himself" and protects us. She believes that you can't feed a man with bread - just let him show himself, in order to maintain the lack of attention to herself, something that does not quite suit him.

A male partner, if he is busy earning all the money in the world, thinks about responsibility no less than his partner, approximately the same. But he loses motivation. And this is the partner's fault. They say that a real man of action (allegory) always lacks tobacco, alcohol and weapons, but this list is far from complete.

And a man in the modern world spins almost like a “squirrel in a wheel”, only, perhaps, he doesn’t often complain about it.

And when he is not understood, he "lies down on the couch", becomes addicted to bacchus and other bad habits, makes "savings" from the family budget and adds reasons for his partner to be dissatisfied with him. The problem is in the misunderstanding of the cause-and-effect relationship, in the imbalance of interests and attention.

Moreover, actual events associated with the manifestation of infantilism are always a reflection of a cause-and-effect relationship.

That is, a person does not see a way out, and gets tired of one-sided "labor contribution" to goals that do not bring him pleasure, but waste his strength. This is understood by everyone subconsciously. But the other does not notice this, or prefers not to notice.

Many couples live long out of habit. One does not want to lose conditional comfort, the other - status.

There is one reason for this mess – fatigue and inattention of the parties to each other. Libido is easily suppressed by routine and monotony. How to help?

Helping practices

And the best, most restraining methods are obvious – showing compassion for each other, confidential conversations, encouraging words and actions said at the right time, repeatedly and sincerely.

For example, there are ways to encourage and support another person that are appropriate to convey to your partner in any form (text messages, personal communication): “we won’t give up anyway and we’ll do everything right”, “you’re the best, you’re extraordinary”, “calm down, everything’s fine, darling, everything’s just wonderful, there’s you and me and our children”.

The word "our" is decisive in this case. Of course, there can be different options for sincere emotional support, and there are never too many of such manifestations.

Deeds and words

Words of support are extremely important for the continuation of a quality relationship. But words alone are not enough. Real actions are needed, and their common family results should please not one, narcissistically inclined partner, but both.

There are no couples where one of the partners constantly "does nothing", is only busy with himself or is a formal dependent. Both work for the family and the relationship.

At least – until trust is destroyed and people continue to value each other, their choice, and the irreplaceability of their partner. But in accordance with the psychological imperative, the negative influence of habit kicks in: “he/she is, he/she/it won’t go anywhere.” This awareness of the mimicry of stability spoils everything.

The world is full of a huge number of cases and situations when financial well-being in the family and even the status of spouses, but without systematic repetition of elements of spiritual and physical intimacy, is not a panacea for the breakdown of relations.

People get divorced, even if they have a joint mortgage, and then divide it, accusing each other of all mortal sins.

The main one is the tragedy of consciousness from unfulfilled expectations. But we must understand what kind of expectations these are and why people initially do not think through different options for the fact that the partner can think in his own way.

In a world full of "choice", partners can quickly replace their once loved ones. Especially when they are dissatisfied with the previous relationship, tired of pressing tasks and work, and feel a lack of love and attention to each other. How to help?

Constantly please and surprise each other, do not upset, remember common goals - they need to be regularly discussed and updated.

Therefore, words alone are not enough. And “deeds” alone are not enough.

It's not only women who value spontaneity, unpredictability and passion.

Frankness is good within reasonable limits

Honesty in relationships with a partner is a good practice, and we have written about it many times, but it must be appropriate to the situation, dosed and timely.

It is stupid to ask your wife who else she would “like to be with”, although many couples practice this. And it is even more stupid to give a specific answer to this. An honest answer to this question is unlikely to please a man or a woman.

In addition, no one will tell everything about themselves completely, so everyone has “skeletons in the closet” - this is normal - and we have to study each other through practical experiments.

We can offer some conclusions that help to preserve the relationship if both sides want it. This is the same inverted principle of "I am the last letter in the alphabet".

Only in high-quality and long-term couple relationships does it work not from the point of view (not only) of responsibility for existing obligations - children, earnings, career and growth of well-being, but specifically in the relationship with the partner, with attention to him.

The less we take ourselves seriously, stating personal desires and goals to "have" in front of our partner, the better we are perceived by him/her, and the greater his/her motivation to give joy and make the other happy. Of course, not forgetting the basic family values.

Long-term relationships are always harmed by excessive narcissism of a partner and a “distortion” of goals and motives without attention to the needs of the other.

Everything that has been said can be summed up in one simple truth: “love one another” (and not yourself).

Talk about the irreplaceability of your partner, take initiative, surprise, and support both in words and in deeds. Not forgetting the importance of mutual support.

Earlier we talked about how to quickly get rid of the blues .