Do you think that cheating is the lot of egoists and moral monsters?
What about your colleague who helps the homeless, or your friend who adopted a child from a shelter?
Are they capable of betrayal, too? Psychologists are sounding the alarm: over the past decade, 37% of people who have sought therapy after infidelity described themselves as “kind, decent, and loving.”
So why do those who truly believe in family values break their own principles? The answer lies not in promiscuity, but in deep psychological traps that can slam shut even on the strongest of spirits.
More often than not, the impetus is not passion, but emotional hunger. When a person feels unheard, undervalued, or lonely in a relationship for years, their psyche looks for “loopholes” to compensate.
For example, a man who is constantly criticized by his wife may fall in love with a colleague not because of sexual attraction, but because she praises his ideas and laughs at his jokes. This does not justify the act, but it explains why “good” people take risks: they run not to someone, but from pain.
Another paradox: Many cheaters genuinely love their partners. Psychologist Esther Perel calls this “splitting the self” — the ability to separate love for family and the need for self-affirmation through a romantic affair on the side. For example, a woman who sees herself as a model mother and wife may have an affair to feel desired “not only as a parent.”
This is not a conscious calculation, but an attempt to restore lost parts of the personality. Of course, this path is destructive, but it explains why even “ideal” partners succumb to temptation.
But the main uncomfortable truth is that cheating often becomes a gesture of desperation. When dialogue does not work, the psyche looks for radical ways to "wake up" the relationship. A classic example: a husband who, after his wife's betrayal, suddenly starts giving flowers and spending time with her. This is not manipulation, but a cry for help - albeit in an ugly form.
What turns a "good" person into someone who hurts? The key factor is not a lack of morality, but an inability to deal with conflict.
For example, people with an inflated sense of duty often suppress their needs for years in order to “keep the family together,” until the cup of patience runs over. Or those who grew up in families where open conversations about discontent were considered shameful learn to “solve problems” by escaping into secret relationships.
Psychologists emphasize: betrayal is rarely spontaneous. It is always the result of a long accumulation of unresolved problems.
How can you protect your relationship from this threat? The first step is to stop dividing the world into “good” and “bad” people. Instead, ask yourself: What unmet needs do I and my partner have? Perhaps his coldness is not a sign of indifference, but a consequence of burnout at work.
Or your irritability is a disguise for your fear of abandonment. Research confirms that couples who discuss not “behavior” but “feelings” at least once a month reduce their risk of cheating by 53%. Not because they become perfect, but because they learn to hear each other before the “point of no return” is reached.
But what if the betrayal has already happened? Psychologists advise avoiding labels like “victim” and “tyrant.” Instead, focus on the question: Is there anything in this relationship worth fighting for?
Sometimes betrayal becomes a catalyst for change that both dreamed of but were afraid to start. For example, a couple who have gone through a crisis may discover that they have been living according to imposed scenarios for years, ignoring their true desires. This does not mean that you have to forgive everything, but it gives you a chance to rebuild the relationship on a new basis - or to let it go without hatred.
Author: Irina Tint
